Stuck, stuck, stuck

This time it's been over a month since I posted. I still don't feel like writing today even. I'm stuck. I feel I've been stuck for a very long time. I try new artistic avenues just to feel like I am moving forward or moving on. I'm not capable of getting unstuck. People will disagree with that, they will try to cheer me up. Don't. Being stuck for me is a state of mind brought on by circumstances that I have unfortunately been unable to remedy because I don't know what I want or where to go from here.

I haven't felt truly successful for at the very least this year, and quite possibly longer. I used to know what I wanted, and I had the belief that I would be able to accomplish my dreams and goals. I used to be able to brush off moods or force the situation away for longer stretches of time. Now I lash out, I get angry, stressed, frustrated. I wish my life were going the way I had planned back in college. Back in my freshman year of college, close to 11 years ago now, I had an idea of how my life would go. Now my life is going nowhere.

I saw a post the other day for milestones in the single person's life. The milestones of a single person included graduating from high school, graduating from college, getting your first adult job, getting your first pet away from home, moving out of your parents house, traveling to a place you always wanted to go, first big promotion, buying a house. Since I don't want to get married or have kids, I will never have the milestones of getting engaged, having a bridal shower, finding the perfect dress, getting married, finding out I'm pregnant, having a baby shower, giving birth. And since I am self-employed I will never get a promotion, a raise or really anything job related. Now I have graduated both from high school and from college, but that's almost where it stops. I will soon be getting some kittens, but even though I will be financially responsible for them, I do still live with my parents, so they will be "our" cats. And in order to move out of my parents house or buy a place of my own I'd need far more income than a single artist makes. I would love to travel, but again money comes to mind. I tried the backpacking thing, took a trip to Colorado last year, I took the broom making class in Grand Marais, so I haven't been completely stuck with no travel.

You might ask, "if your big goal is to own a place of your own, why get a cat, or travel at all? Why not save your money to buy a place?" And my answer is because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of always trying to save money and not doing the things, big or small, that I want to do. I need some small pleasures and adventures in my life in order to find any joy. But now I worry that isn't going to be enough for me either.

I'm grateful for my parents, I've probably said it before, but it needs repeating. I'm grateful that they continue to let me live with them, I know it isn't required and for some people when they turn 18 or finish school, that's the end of being allowed to live in their parents house. I'm grateful for the rest of the financial support beyond living at home, I have very few bills thanks to them, I can eat because of them. I'm grateful for it, but I've begun to resent it. I shouldn't, I should be grateful and that should be the end of it, but I am incapable of being a self supporting adult and that is a very big thorn in my side. I require their help. I'll always need them emotionally, mentally, as family and as friends, but I've come to the realization that I may always need them for all the financial stuff as well. And that makes me angry and sad, and the more angry and sad I get, the more difficult I become to live with.

I'm a selfish person, don't try to tell me otherwise on that statement either, I know I can be helpful and supportive and whatever else someone might try to use to persuade me otherwise, but I've come to realize that I am a selfish person. I don't want to get married or have kids because I don't want someone relying on me all the time. I don't want to be available for them all the time, I don't want to have someone in my space all the time demanding my attention, using or touching or moving my things. I also don't like wondering if someone came into my space while I was out or away. I don't want to have to come home and wonder who broke this or used up that. I'm also not good with forgiveness. Giving or asking for. I'm inflexible, stuck in my ways as much as I feel stuck in life. I know I am not a good match for anyone, I also know I would not be a good parent. I don't know if I have made myself this way on purpose or subconsciously, or if it has just become my nature through experiences. I have tried to change some things I find unpleasant about myself, or downright rude, but I also am not good with change and it is a struggle for me to change one thing when so much else in my life seems like a bigger deal.

For a while I felt better about things, I felt like something positive was happening. But for me, things either get better too slowly and I start to feel stuck again, or something goes wrong. Like I said though, I don't know what the fuck I want anymore.

What am I thinking?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I must be crazy, it was the first thing I told my friend when I was forming plans. I must be crazy. I want to try hiking some more of the Ice Age Trail. True my first week sucked, horribly, but I want to finish the trail. Even if it takes me years.

I never did share more than a third of the pictures I took because in most of the ones of me I look so miserable. I think now though, I feel comfortable enough with the experience that I would like to share some of those pictures. Including the ones of me crying, or just before I cried, or just after I cried. I cried a lot. And that is why I figure I must be insane. Why would anyone choose to go back out to a task that they know they hated the first time?

I certainly don't know, but here are some more memories of my first week on the Ice Age Trail.

Read more about Days 1-2 here.

Day 1: At the top of the first "pointless" hill. I came down off of it on the same street I went up it.

My first campsite, before it started to storm, you can see my dinner cooking in the table.

Shreds keeping me company during the first wave of storms I survived the first night.

Tired, probably just after I cried my way through the first storm.

Day 2: I woke up relatively happy the next morning.

My "nest" at the rest area on the Gandy Dancer segment. I hung out here for lunch and phone charging.

Hiking 26 miles to the Cafe Wren where I would be sleeping, I was very wet and cold and crying. 

Read more about Days 3-4 here.

Day 3: Hiking through the snow in the pine plantations.

Snow allows you to see who else is using the trail...

At this point I was pretty much hoping I was almost to my campsite. I wasn't.

Day 4: I was limping this day, and I almost went over backwards trying to get over this thing.

One of the many feathers I saw. I think this one is from a Yellow Warbler.

I was in good spirits as I knew I was going to have a bed that night and it didn't matter where I stopped.
The chapter coordinator was going to come get me with his car wherever I was.

Some awesome big white pines in this segment.

These three were the inspiration for my one painting.

 Read more about Days 5-6 here.

Day 5: I was still in good spirits shortly after being dropped off.

Hiking through a swamp quickly put me in a poor state of mind.

This was the last segment I finished. It was here, at this sign I realized I wasn't going to keep going.

The last picture I took of my hike. I was hot, tired, and yes, crying again.

I made it to the end of the Sand Creek Segment and waited for someone to come pick me up. I was disappointed. In myself, the experience, my choices and how I handled the whole thing. SO, do I want to go back to prove to myself that I can do it? Or because I want to make sure I really do dislike this kind of hiking? Or I'm hoping I have a better experience? Read about my initial post hike thoughts here.

Whatever it is, I'm hoping to go sometime in October, (I'm likely to have bad weather again, but it is the only time I have to go), to do another 80 miles in one week, which would be the next two chapters. I also hope to have some company at least for a little bit of my second attempt which will make the miles seem easier. Maybe I'll look into hammock camping, get rid of my tent weight. And I'm only taking peanut butter and jelly, raisins, breakfast bars, some trail mix and hot chocolate. I realize the hot chocolate means I will have to take my stove, but that way if the weather is bad I can have a hot beverage, but not have to think about cooking every night.

Post Hike

I've been home almost a week now. I had my posts set on a delay for my own safety. Unless I can know exactly who is reading my blog there is no guarantee that everyone has good intentions for me. And so I've been posting a few days behind where I actually was on the trail.

A collage of my first day, the river was the view from my first campsite,
the tent obviously my first site, and the flowers I saw all over the trail that day.

Since being at home I've been angry, frustrated, sad, confused and several more emotions in regards to my hike and the rather abrupt end of it. The whole trip was not what I expected. Nothing in my life really ever is what I expect. I was going to spend the hike trying to figure out what is next for me. I was using it as a break from the frustration I have felt in my life and as a time to maybe spend a little less time worrying about everything. Being away from home meant I only had to worry about more primal matters. Staying safe, dry, healthy, eating, setting up my shelter. There was no income or expenses, I had taken care of that before I left or my mom was going to be mailing out some things. There was no immediate concerns about my profession or personal relationships.

No painting the second day, it was raining and windy. This was from a bench
overlooking a marshy area the third day. An otter ran through while I was painting.

It was peaceful, or as peaceful as I could get when I spent a lot, ok, most of my time swearing at hills that I'm sure they routed the trail over because it was a glacial feature, or swearing at the adverse weather of which I had plenty, or wondering about my poor choices in life of which I have made plenty. There were a couple days I didn't even bother with painting and I left my journal stashed most of the time because I knew what I wrote would have been the same as it was the last dozen times I took it out.

The sunrise at Moh's Mountain the fourth day. I spent some extra time trying
to get warm that morning and hoped my tent would dry out before I packed up.

I'm still using this time as "free-time." I got enough done before I left that I don't need to worry about getting pottery done. I'm still using this time as thinking time and since I am home I am using it to focus on projects that I thought for sure would never get finished because they are extra things that I don't have to do. I'm also using it as time to relax. I certainly won't use the next two months that way, but at least I can take another week or two, until the end of April, to see if anything comes to mind as to where I need to be heading with my life.

Painted this at the home of the chapter coordinator. I had seen three giant
white pines and three interesting feathers that were the inspiration for this one.
I was hoping the feathers would be messages from the spirits while I hiked, but
never stopped to figure out what each one meant at that particular moment.

I actually spent one afternoon (maybe an hour) meditating. I lit some candles, closed my curtains, grabbed a few of my crystals and repeated to myself What do I need? What do I need? like a mantra. It's amazing what comes into your head and what you experience when you have no outside influence, when you are completely relaxed and focused on one thing. I'm not going to tell you what popped into my head, I don't know if it something my head, heart or soul needs or if it something that I want. Maybe what I want is what I need, but either way it is mine, and I don't know if I will act on it, or even how to act on it. Maybe I'll try meditating again and see if the same ideas come to me, but in the meantime I thought I'd share the paintings I did while hiking or that were inspired by things I saw.

There was some interesting mushrooms, no idea what kind, but I immediately
saw purple, blue and gray when I first saw them and that is how they ended up in my painting.

Ice Age Trail Thru-Hike: Days 5-6

On Thursday I got dropped off at the trail where I was picked up the night before by the chapter coordinator. That was the first night that I had actually gotten a decent sleep and even though my feet still hurt, I felt ready to tackle the day. So off I went.

Finished McKenzie Creek

And five and a half hours later I made it the ten miles to where I had planned to stay the night before. It was then that I realized if I was ever going to finish the trail I'd have to do it some other way. I mad marched my way through the next half mile and when it started to rain on me yet again, I threw down my pack, hauled out my poncho and attached it so it would cover my pack but not me since it was humid from the rain the night before.

I was excited to see a bridge/ramp.

Did I mention those five and a half hours were through swamp? The trail was pretty well flooded for about half of that, and then flooded later as well.

That path of water is literally the trail. 

It was shortly after reaching the beginning of the next segment that I realized I was not going to finish this Thru-Hike. As much as I wanted to complete it, I was done. I called my mom, we made a plan for her to come get me and I made my way to the end of the segment, where I called the next chapter coordinator and his son picked me up. The son made me two grilled cheese sandwiches, I ate both, and his wife made up an ice pack for my feet. That night I slept in a bed.

It was about here that my confidence left. 

The next morning the chapter coordinator drove me to Barronette where I picked up my first resupply box and then to Spooner. I got myself ice cream at McDonald's and added the resupply to my backpack. I let my mom know what was going on then started walking home. She met me about two hours later along highway 70 where I had made it about 7 miles closer to home.

We got home, I limped inside with my backpack, and took a shower. For dinner that night we had some of my tortellini that I had packaged for backpacking food. I'm going to be eating my backpacking food for a while. That night I didn't sleep well. I had several dreams, one of which relates to damaged self-confidence. Go figure.

I have some thinking, maybe some self-reflection or analyzing to do. I still need to figure out exactly what it is I want to be doing with my life. That was kind of the point of the hike, but with less than a week actually on the trail I didn't have much time to figure anything out. Except that maybe I will have to section hike the rest of the trail. I did finish the first chapter, Indianhead, so I can send in for the completion patch and work my way through the rest of the segments. I figured that when you don't like change and then change everything in your immediate future all at once, you are pretty much doomed to failure. I spent much of my time hiking and laying in my tent wondering just what the hell I was doing. I still don't have an answer and I expect my feet to be bruised for the next few days.

Ice Age Trail Thru-Hike: Days 3-4

On day three, I think it is ok to say I think I made a mistake. I was not prepared to be alone, no human contact outside of the occasional (sometimes rather frequent) Facebook messages from my mom. I started the day hiking in 2, sometimes 3, inches of wet snow. I was not happy about it.

I did have a little trail magic before I left Cafe Wren and then I was alone. In the snow all morning. I don't even know for sure when the snow was basically all gone because I was lost in a perpetual downward spiral of self loathing. You think I'm being overly dramatic? You try hiking for 9 plus hours a day for three days of bad weather in a row away from everything that makes you comfortable and on next to no sleep with no one there to give you a hug. I spent much of the day wondering why I had thought it was a good idea and then scolding myself for being a fool, an idiot and several other more colorful things. I do remember seeing an otter, and more signs of bear. And to save you the whole long story I eventually made it to my campsite at least an hour later than I thought it should have taken, set up my still wet tent and cried on the phone to my mom.

I didn't really sleep that night either. Day four dawned bright and a balmy 28 degrees on my thermometer. Remember how my tent was wet the night before? Well now it was wet and frozen and I couldn't feel my toes because all three pairs of my socks were also wet the night before so I couldn't wear any to bed. I had hot chocolate and ramen soup for breakfast just to get feeling back into my limbs.

Some combination of meeting a guy from the Ice Age Trail Alliance, talking to my mom, sending messages to a friend and maybe the hot chocolate and ramen soup for breakfast made some kind of difference, but I still didn't get moving until 8:00 and that was still slow going. I only did half my miles because my feet rebelled and I had to call for assistance. So I stayed with the chapter coordinator, had a shower, talked a lot, did a painting, rested my feet and got to sleep in a bed. And lucky for me, I missed sleeping in the rain.

I also saw four baby bear cubs from across a marshy area.

Ice Age Trail Thru-Hike, Days 1-2

I started my hike on a hot humid April day. I almost immediately realized my pack was too heavy and going to be the death of me. So when I met my parents in town a couple hours later I gave them my solar charger, my fleece blanket (which I kind of want, but not, because of the weight), my lint roller that I was going to use for ticks, and the lightweight day pack that was going to keep me organized. (I'm also missing that, I keep having trouble finding my small things I was keeping in there.)

The walk was beautiful, and I'm sure it will be more so when everything turns green for summer. Mostly I was greeted by small spring flowers, wild and in front yards. I managed to do a painting, part on my hike and part once I reached my site.

My first night. Ah that wondrous night when the water laps gently against the shore, when you get to sit at the picnic table and enjoy the view while you eat dinner. When the thunder, rain, wind, and lightening chase you under your poncho draped across the picnic table to finish cooking your dinner under the table then into your tent where you realize there is no way you can enjoy your slightly undercooked and underflavored tortellini while you pray fervently to whatever god or spirit will listen to you to please don't let you die on your first night of your big adventure. Yes, I sat in my tent with Shreds clutched in my trembling hands wondering what the hell I was doing. Then it got quiet, I had my dinner and went out to the edge of the river and finished my painting. 

I was also sending messages to my mom and responding to comments on an Ice Age Trail hiker group where I had left a comment about the storm.

I didn't sleep at all since it stormed a second time and maybe a third. By that time all I could manage was to huddle in my sleeping bag, again clutching Shreds, wondering why I thought a thru hike was a good idea. 

Day two started out ok. I had to wipe moisture from every part of my tent, wipe away mud, and start airing out my sleeping pad, which somehow got wet through the bottom of the tent. I eventually got packed up and headed out, breakfast in hand, at 7:30.

I took some pictures on my camera, but there wasn't much to see. Half of the walk today was uphill on a road. Seriously, that road went uphill about 9/10 of the time. I spent a lot of time cursing hills.

And then the wind picked up and I thankfully found myself at a rest stop for the Gandy Dancer segment where I filed my water, charged my phone, and had lunch. With my shoes off. Shortly after leaving the nice, comfy rest stop, it got cold. Cold enough that I could see my breath. And then it started to ice rain. Sharp frozen shards of half frozen rain started to fall, then fell until I was almost at my end point.

I didn't get to stop and have anything to eat or take off my pack so by the time I saw the sign for Cafe Wren, at about 4:20, I was ready to fall over. I didn't think if I set down my pack I would be able to pick it back up. And I was again questioning my sanity.

I had a nice dinner that I didn't have to cook and the women working were very nice, we talked a bit while they cleaned up and closed for the night. Then one offered me hot water with honey and lemon to keep me warm while I set up camp, tasted like the nectar of the gods. And then I got a little more trail magic and a big hug.

I got my tent set up just before the ice rain started again. And that continued the rest of the evening. Gives new meaning to ICE Age Trail. So glad my sleeping bag is rated to 20 degrees.

Final Prep For My Ice Age Trail Thru-Hike

I felt I needed to do the obligatory "gear" picture and "meal plan" picture. So here's my final gear plan. I realize now that I don't have my actual hiking boots in here, or my maps and I didn't put in my bathroom items as I am still using some of those. I know already that there are a few items people are going to look at and immediately want to tell me I'm wrong. Well, guess what? Maybe that item is wrong for you, but it might be what will make MY hike possible.

Most of my gear.

The two most obvious of those items are my fleece blanket and my puppy "Shreds." I can totally and completely understand why some people might think these are just extra weight. Here's my reasoning behind them and you can agree or disagree with my decision, but just remember it is my choice and if I decide I no longer want to carry something, I can mail it home at the next little town I go through that has a post office. So when I went on my first hiking trip to the Porcupine Mountains, I wanted something on the bottom of my tent, something soft, and I didn't take anything with. Then when I went to Colorado, I again did not take anything and I tend to spread out when I sleep and never stay completely on my sleeping pad and all night (each night) as soon as I touched the cold floor of my tent, I woke up. So this time I am taking a fleece blanket, it is fairly lightweight although a bit bulky, so it will get strapped wherever it fits. Plus I can wrap my feet and legs in it to keep them warm since wearing socks to bed only makes my feet colder.

"Shreds" my travel puppy and my fleece blanket.

Now the puppy. "Shreds" was given to me by a friend for my 18th birthday. He came to college with me and sat on my desk all four years. He came to North Carolina with me, riding shotgun, in 2010 when I drove solo to Penland School of Crafts for a two week pottery class. He kept me company while I sat for two hours waiting for assistance on the side of I-65 in Indiana while my parents and I tried to make sense of a AAA membership that the paperwork never got run. He came with me on my short, but solo trip to Grand Marais and my broom making class last year. And most recently he accompanied me on my trip to Colorado riding in the cup holder the whole way. He didn't actually come on the hike with me, but he was there in Colorado. "Shreds" is my travel puppy and he's going to be riding shotgun on my pack for this hike for as long as I want him. And since I can't take my slightly senile 19 (92 in cat years) year old cat, Shreds is going with.

Yes that is my bra she is sleeping on. Saturn (and her brother Neptune when he was alive) always seem to know when I am going away and end up in my clothes, suitcase or what ever else when I am trying to pack.

And here's my food for the first five days, plus a little more. You can't see everything because of how it is packed, but I have tuna, pita pockets, cheese (because I am a true Wisconsin girl and can not go with out my cheese, and I will buy more along the trail as I use up what I am taking with), breakfast bars, five dinners with a package of ramen if I need more, assorted drink powders, peanut butter and jelly, and assorted snacks including peanut m&ms, cashews, Reese's Pieces, mini chocolate bars, fruit gummy snacks, dried fruit and raisins, fruit leather, crackers, Gardettos and corn chips to add to my mashed potatoes. The tube of tomato paste will last through much of the hike and is for some of my pasta dinners and a couple of the rice dinners that need a little more flavor. Plus I have seeds for sprouting in hemp bags, I have my first crop already going so I can have some my second day out.

Each resupply box has some variation on this based on how many days I need to get to my next box.

And here's an update on my temperature afghan. This is as far as I will get before starting my hike. When I get back I will look up the high temperatures for the days (months) I missed and then catch up. I was glad when it started to warm up, I ran out of the 30 degree color. And if you can see the two stripes of multicolor yarn? Those are family birthdays. I made a slightly taller stitch with the color for the day then chained around the shaft of the stitch to make it stand out. I have a brighter yarn I am going to use for the summer birthdays.

In a holding pattern for the next two months...

Next time I'll see you on the trail!

Pre-Ice Age Trail Thru-Hike Planning

This week has included grocery shopping, food prep, packing supply boxes, finalizing my hike with estimated campsites, post office pickups, and last minute gear purchases. I leave really soon and I still can't believe I am going to do this.

Breakfast bars and fruit leather.

I've also been planning with my mom for when and where she will be sending my resupply boxes, managing my expenses and bill payments while I am gone, and how to get in touch with her even when I can't send her a message because of poor cell reception.

My boxes are almost packed. Tomorrow I will be sending out my first box so it gets to the post office well in advance of when I will be getting there just to make sure it does beat me there.

This hike has been in the planning stages for about a year now. I read Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, like so many others and I decided to do a thru-hike. Except I decided to stay close to home for my first grand adventure. And I am glad that I did, because planning a hike on the other side of the country when I had no experience with this sort of thing would have been enough to push me back into my comfort zone. I know I have people in Wisconsin who can rescue me if it gets to be too much for me to handle, or if there is a problem with a resupply box. And a couple times this week I started wishing that my mom would finish planning this for me. I was getting frustrated. (Happens often, and right from the beginning.)

Yellow is the trail/path I plan to take, orange is post office treks, pink is estimated camping, though that will depend on how much I can actually manage in a day.

I tried to keep my post office resupplies to no more than 5 days in between, in a couple places though it ended up being 6 or 7 because where I wanted to stop would have been a Sunday or a holiday, so I had to find alternative towns. If anyone is interested, here is the list of post offices I plan to visit, (you send the mail to "Katlyn Koester, c/o General Delivery" followed by the post office address. Hopefully with my boxes going ahead of me they will know when I am coming and put any other mail with my boxes.):

2964 Us Highway 63, Barronett, WI 54813

W14392 Railway Ave, Weyerhaeuser, WI 54895

705 McComb Ave, Rib Lake, WI 54470

N9575 County Road B, Summit Lake, WI 54485

200 Clark St, Hatley, WI 54440

215 W Conant St, Portage, WI 53901

2012 Park St, Cross Plains, WI 53528

102 E North Ave, Monticello, WI 53570

116 N 3rd St, Palmyra, WI 53156

1202 Franklin St, Manitowoc, WI 54220

I've set a fairly optimistic pace for myself, but I won't hold myself to it, and I will be passing plenty of small towns where I can do extra resupply if needed. I decided though, next time I do a thru-hike, I'm taking the makings for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, nothing more. Too many options is making my head spin!