Stuck, stuck, stuck

This time it's been over a month since I posted. I still don't feel like writing today even. I'm stuck. I feel I've been stuck for a very long time. I try new artistic avenues just to feel like I am moving forward or moving on. I'm not capable of getting unstuck. People will disagree with that, they will try to cheer me up. Don't. Being stuck for me is a state of mind brought on by circumstances that I have unfortunately been unable to remedy because I don't know what I want or where to go from here.

I haven't felt truly successful for at the very least this year, and quite possibly longer. I used to know what I wanted, and I had the belief that I would be able to accomplish my dreams and goals. I used to be able to brush off moods or force the situation away for longer stretches of time. Now I lash out, I get angry, stressed, frustrated. I wish my life were going the way I had planned back in college. Back in my freshman year of college, close to 11 years ago now, I had an idea of how my life would go. Now my life is going nowhere.

I saw a post the other day for milestones in the single person's life. The milestones of a single person included graduating from high school, graduating from college, getting your first adult job, getting your first pet away from home, moving out of your parents house, traveling to a place you always wanted to go, first big promotion, buying a house. Since I don't want to get married or have kids, I will never have the milestones of getting engaged, having a bridal shower, finding the perfect dress, getting married, finding out I'm pregnant, having a baby shower, giving birth. And since I am self-employed I will never get a promotion, a raise or really anything job related. Now I have graduated both from high school and from college, but that's almost where it stops. I will soon be getting some kittens, but even though I will be financially responsible for them, I do still live with my parents, so they will be "our" cats. And in order to move out of my parents house or buy a place of my own I'd need far more income than a single artist makes. I would love to travel, but again money comes to mind. I tried the backpacking thing, took a trip to Colorado last year, I took the broom making class in Grand Marais, so I haven't been completely stuck with no travel.

You might ask, "if your big goal is to own a place of your own, why get a cat, or travel at all? Why not save your money to buy a place?" And my answer is because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of always trying to save money and not doing the things, big or small, that I want to do. I need some small pleasures and adventures in my life in order to find any joy. But now I worry that isn't going to be enough for me either.

I'm grateful for my parents, I've probably said it before, but it needs repeating. I'm grateful that they continue to let me live with them, I know it isn't required and for some people when they turn 18 or finish school, that's the end of being allowed to live in their parents house. I'm grateful for the rest of the financial support beyond living at home, I have very few bills thanks to them, I can eat because of them. I'm grateful for it, but I've begun to resent it. I shouldn't, I should be grateful and that should be the end of it, but I am incapable of being a self supporting adult and that is a very big thorn in my side. I require their help. I'll always need them emotionally, mentally, as family and as friends, but I've come to the realization that I may always need them for all the financial stuff as well. And that makes me angry and sad, and the more angry and sad I get, the more difficult I become to live with.

I'm a selfish person, don't try to tell me otherwise on that statement either, I know I can be helpful and supportive and whatever else someone might try to use to persuade me otherwise, but I've come to realize that I am a selfish person. I don't want to get married or have kids because I don't want someone relying on me all the time. I don't want to be available for them all the time, I don't want to have someone in my space all the time demanding my attention, using or touching or moving my things. I also don't like wondering if someone came into my space while I was out or away. I don't want to have to come home and wonder who broke this or used up that. I'm also not good with forgiveness. Giving or asking for. I'm inflexible, stuck in my ways as much as I feel stuck in life. I know I am not a good match for anyone, I also know I would not be a good parent. I don't know if I have made myself this way on purpose or subconsciously, or if it has just become my nature through experiences. I have tried to change some things I find unpleasant about myself, or downright rude, but I also am not good with change and it is a struggle for me to change one thing when so much else in my life seems like a bigger deal.

For a while I felt better about things, I felt like something positive was happening. But for me, things either get better too slowly and I start to feel stuck again, or something goes wrong. Like I said though, I don't know what the fuck I want anymore.

What am I thinking?

I've been thinking about this for a while now. I must be crazy, it was the first thing I told my friend when I was forming plans. I must be crazy. I want to try hiking some more of the Ice Age Trail. True my first week sucked, horribly, but I want to finish the trail. Even if it takes me years.

I never did share more than a third of the pictures I took because in most of the ones of me I look so miserable. I think now though, I feel comfortable enough with the experience that I would like to share some of those pictures. Including the ones of me crying, or just before I cried, or just after I cried. I cried a lot. And that is why I figure I must be insane. Why would anyone choose to go back out to a task that they know they hated the first time?

I certainly don't know, but here are some more memories of my first week on the Ice Age Trail.

Read more about Days 1-2 here.

Day 1: At the top of the first "pointless" hill. I came down off of it on the same street I went up it.

My first campsite, before it started to storm, you can see my dinner cooking in the table.

Shreds keeping me company during the first wave of storms I survived the first night.

Tired, probably just after I cried my way through the first storm.

Day 2: I woke up relatively happy the next morning.

My "nest" at the rest area on the Gandy Dancer segment. I hung out here for lunch and phone charging.

Hiking 26 miles to the Cafe Wren where I would be sleeping, I was very wet and cold and crying. 

Read more about Days 3-4 here.

Day 3: Hiking through the snow in the pine plantations.

Snow allows you to see who else is using the trail...

At this point I was pretty much hoping I was almost to my campsite. I wasn't.

Day 4: I was limping this day, and I almost went over backwards trying to get over this thing.

One of the many feathers I saw. I think this one is from a Yellow Warbler.

I was in good spirits as I knew I was going to have a bed that night and it didn't matter where I stopped.
The chapter coordinator was going to come get me with his car wherever I was.

Some awesome big white pines in this segment.

These three were the inspiration for my one painting.

 Read more about Days 5-6 here.

Day 5: I was still in good spirits shortly after being dropped off.

Hiking through a swamp quickly put me in a poor state of mind.

This was the last segment I finished. It was here, at this sign I realized I wasn't going to keep going.

The last picture I took of my hike. I was hot, tired, and yes, crying again.

I made it to the end of the Sand Creek Segment and waited for someone to come pick me up. I was disappointed. In myself, the experience, my choices and how I handled the whole thing. SO, do I want to go back to prove to myself that I can do it? Or because I want to make sure I really do dislike this kind of hiking? Or I'm hoping I have a better experience? Read about my initial post hike thoughts here.

Whatever it is, I'm hoping to go sometime in October, (I'm likely to have bad weather again, but it is the only time I have to go), to do another 80 miles in one week, which would be the next two chapters. I also hope to have some company at least for a little bit of my second attempt which will make the miles seem easier. Maybe I'll look into hammock camping, get rid of my tent weight. And I'm only taking peanut butter and jelly, raisins, breakfast bars, some trail mix and hot chocolate. I realize the hot chocolate means I will have to take my stove, but that way if the weather is bad I can have a hot beverage, but not have to think about cooking every night.

Pre-Ice Age Trail Thru-Hike Planning

This week has included grocery shopping, food prep, packing supply boxes, finalizing my hike with estimated campsites, post office pickups, and last minute gear purchases. I leave really soon and I still can't believe I am going to do this.

Breakfast bars and fruit leather.

I've also been planning with my mom for when and where she will be sending my resupply boxes, managing my expenses and bill payments while I am gone, and how to get in touch with her even when I can't send her a message because of poor cell reception.

My boxes are almost packed. Tomorrow I will be sending out my first box so it gets to the post office well in advance of when I will be getting there just to make sure it does beat me there.

This hike has been in the planning stages for about a year now. I read Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, like so many others and I decided to do a thru-hike. Except I decided to stay close to home for my first grand adventure. And I am glad that I did, because planning a hike on the other side of the country when I had no experience with this sort of thing would have been enough to push me back into my comfort zone. I know I have people in Wisconsin who can rescue me if it gets to be too much for me to handle, or if there is a problem with a resupply box. And a couple times this week I started wishing that my mom would finish planning this for me. I was getting frustrated. (Happens often, and right from the beginning.)

Yellow is the trail/path I plan to take, orange is post office treks, pink is estimated camping, though that will depend on how much I can actually manage in a day.

I tried to keep my post office resupplies to no more than 5 days in between, in a couple places though it ended up being 6 or 7 because where I wanted to stop would have been a Sunday or a holiday, so I had to find alternative towns. If anyone is interested, here is the list of post offices I plan to visit, (you send the mail to "Katlyn Koester, c/o General Delivery" followed by the post office address. Hopefully with my boxes going ahead of me they will know when I am coming and put any other mail with my boxes.):

2964 Us Highway 63, Barronett, WI 54813

W14392 Railway Ave, Weyerhaeuser, WI 54895

705 McComb Ave, Rib Lake, WI 54470

N9575 County Road B, Summit Lake, WI 54485

200 Clark St, Hatley, WI 54440

215 W Conant St, Portage, WI 53901

2012 Park St, Cross Plains, WI 53528

102 E North Ave, Monticello, WI 53570

116 N 3rd St, Palmyra, WI 53156

1202 Franklin St, Manitowoc, WI 54220

I've set a fairly optimistic pace for myself, but I won't hold myself to it, and I will be passing plenty of small towns where I can do extra resupply if needed. I decided though, next time I do a thru-hike, I'm taking the makings for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, nothing more. Too many options is making my head spin!

Pack Weight

This pile of gear is what I will be taking with me on my hike. Somewhere in this pile is my tent, sleeping gear, camp kitchen, clothing, toilet supplies, first aid, personal items and tech items. Not everything is in this picture, I still want to find some lightweight shirts, and my bathroom items (soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, contact supplies and glasses, medications and vitamins are all absent), and some of these things will be cut out or minimized. In my first aid kit I have a whole tube of anti-bacterial ointment, I will be transferring a small amount to another container, and my camera case is not coming, it is just representing the camera I used to take the picture.

And obviously the scale is not coming. However, I did use the scale to weigh each item, or collection of items, (I counted my tent, footprint, rain fly, poles and stakes as one item) and then entered these numbers into a chart to see what my current estimated pack weight is. (Estimated because my water containers are not filled and I don't have my food prepared.)

Right now, without a couple items I've forgotten and without those few items minimized, I am at 42.5 pounds. It is a little on the heavy side, but since I am essentially hauling my entire life on my back for two months, I'm proud that I've kept it where it is.

Some items, like my purple fleece or my awesome new bright blue hat that I got at the Hiker Box in Eagle River, also where I got my backpack, (go see them, they know what they are talking about when it comes to backpacking) don't really need to be counted in the weight since anything you will wear daily doesn't add to pack weight, but I put these in there because I don't think I will be wearing them every day. I didn't count my pants, shoes, or trekking poles.

Item	Weight pounds	Ounces
Backpack	3	15.6
Tent (footprint, fly, stakes, poles)	2	13.2
Sleeping bag (compression strap)	3	3.8
Sleeping pad (bag)	1
Water bladder (empty)		9.7
water bottle (empty		1.3
Water filter		15.1
Kitchen (fuel, stove, pot, spoon, bag)	1	10.2
extra fuel canisters (each)		13
poncho		11.4
Bear Bag rope		7.3
Food bag		2.4
first aid		4.9
Pocket knife		2.7
Additional first aid		2.5
Bandana (2)		2.2
Towel		2.5
Head Lamp		3.3
Carabiners and clips		3.3
Bag		1
Cup		5.1
Toilet paper (w/ shovel, bags)		8.6

I have seen more organized charts, but I simply listed items as they came out of my pack or as I thought of them. No rhyme or reason to the order.

There are some items I know people will be looking at going why is she taking that? One such item is what appears to be a box of screws in the bottom right corner. That good critics is my art box, I plan on doing some painting while out hiking and so I will be taking a pencil, drawing pen, watercolors and brush(es) with. I also have my sketchbook and journal there. That little stack of items weighs 1 pound 5.4 ounces, but I couldn't get rid of it even if I was trying to reduce pack weight. I am not taking anything else to keep my mind occupied or to relax at the end of the day and I wish to record my hike by writing, drawing and painting. And I seriously doubt my ability to go two months without doing anything creative or artful. That little box contains everything I need to create mini watercolor paintings, including water.

Today I also went through the whole hike again to work out some shorter distances for resupply boxes. I had been at about a week between, but I think I have found enough places to cut that back to 5 days at most which means I have less food, and weight, to carry between resupplies.

So over the last few weeks of my planning time, I will be working on cutting back my weight by shaving a few ounces off items where I can, finding lighter alternatives or maybe (but not likely) removing items completely.

Tentative Schedule

I finished planning my daily miles for my Ice Age Trail thru-hike. If I keep to that schedule, which I probably won't, I will complete the hike in 58 days. There is still a lot of planning left, a few supplies to buy, and of course food planning, buying and sorting.

The last two pieces of gear I ordered, my tent footprint and
solar charger. The solar panel is a bit heavier that I expected
so I am going to try to reduce my pack weight elsewhere.

The next thing I want to do is go through the whole hike plan again, but this time enter every town where I could possibly get a resupply box. I want to get a box every 4-5 days. That means I would only have to carry about 10-12 pounds of food. That's about 2 pounds of food a day plus one extra day of food. I hope to have less food weight per day than that, but 2 pounds is what many resources have recommended. And at least in the beginning I can bring less food, because I tend to not eat much in general. Eventually I will have to add some more calories, but I can easily have a few crackers with peanut butter and raisins as an additional snack since I will be carrying them anyway.

I am not a big fan of dried fruits and veggies, I think I mentioned that once
before, but I did like the papaya and pineapple.

I also still want to email the trail chapter coordinators and the Ice Age Trail Alliance for tips in those areas of the trail where there are no camping options. Maybe they have suggestions or might offer to come collect me at the end of the day. And to just get general information about the trail.

There are a couple places where I might take an extra day simply because I know I will love being there, I can plan those as "rest" days. I want to be able to take my time and enjoy Parfreys Glen and Devils Lake State park in the Baraboo area. I went there on a Geology class field trip in high school and I was in awe of Parfreys Glen. And Devils Lake has shower facilities, I can maybe be clean for a day or two.

I am a part of the Facebook group, World's Biggest Marble Hunt,
I will be doing some hides while I hike. If you want to find one of the marbles
I hide, join the Facebook group and watch for my posts. I will be doing this
as a way to keep myself entertained and you all will have an advantage to
finding them since you already know where I will be.

I keep finding myself in tunnel vision. I can focus on getting one thing done then move on, but I'm having problems keeping up with all the things I have to do in order to get back into the reality of post-hike life. I spent a week making pottery and during that week I did no planning, I stopped going for walks and generally stressed about trying to multitask without actually accomplishing any multitasking. The last two days I have loaded the bisque kiln and today is my second bisque firing, which has left me with time to think about the hike again. The problem I am having is that I know I will immediately have to jump into art shows when I get back, and that requires having enough inventory on hand, since I am missing two months of work time, I have to make some extra work now, while I am also planning and preparing for the hike. Plus I want to be able to fully enjoy myself while I am hiking and not think about everything I will have to do when I get back. So if I can get most of it done now, I (hopefully) won't be thinking about it while I hike.

Tuesday	28.6	39.3	10.7	3f	4	Moh's Mountain
Wednesday	39.3	59.7	20.4	5f	5	Polk County Primitive Camping
Thursday	59.7	75.3	15.6	6f	8	Burnett County Primitive Camping BW13
Friday	75.3	90	14.7	8f	9	Barron County Prim. Camping Bear Lake Segment
Saturday	90	113.2	23.2	10f	10	Barron County Primitive Camping BW3, rookery
Sunday	113.2	134.3	21.1	12f	11	North Lake Primitive Campsite, RU2
Monday	134.3	160.3	26	15f	14	Primitive Campsite CH13
Tuesday	160.3	184	23.7	16f	16	Brunet Island State Park
Wednesday	184	209	25	17-19f	16	Otter Lake County Park
Thursday	209	229.2	20.2	21f	18	Taylor Cty. Chequamegon Forest Primitive Camping
Friday	229.2	249	19.8	22f	19	Chequamegon Forest Primitive Camping
Saturday	249	269	20	24f	20	Taylor County Forest Primitive Camping
Sunday	269	293.8	24.8	26f	21	Taylor County Forest Primitive Camping
Monday	293.8	315.8	22	28f	24	Turtle Rock Segment
Tuesday	315.8	339.2	23.4	29f	26	Underdown Segment Primitive Camping
Wednesday	339.2	364.5	25.3	31f	29	Langlade County Adirondack Shelter or Primitive
Thursday	364.5	384.9	20.4	33f	30	Camp Susan's Prim. Camp. Highland Lakes Eastern

Just a little of my 58 day plan. The day of the week, start mileage, end mileage, total daily miles, map number from the atlas, page number in the databook and where I hope to camp that night. Of course these are guesses, estimates for how far I can hike in a day and some are simply the next available camping area. The final will also include where I will pick up my boxes, the contact numbers for the places I plan to camp (if I need to make reservations), and the post offices I will visit.