Moody and not sure what next

I've been quiet for awhile again. I've tried writing a couple of times, but each time it has turned into a series of complaints that I shouldn't complain about on my blog. And it isn't something that complaining about will do anything to alter the result.

I've been in a mood. I don't know how to get out of it, usually when things start to go right, even a little bit, I find myself feeling better. Things haven't gone really right for me in a while. I keep hoping for a better tomorrow or week or month. I keep trying to be happy and see the good I do have, but I'm having trouble with that recently.

When I get like this, nothing I do seems to help. I can pretend for a little while and enjoy myself a bit, but as soon as real life gets into my head again I'm right back where I started. Things I most love to do, foods I most love to eat, and the people I most love in the world only help briefly or not at all. Situations that aren't a big deal, annoy me to no end and things that should only be minor annoyances become the downfall of a possible improvement in my day and mood. And don't even get me started on what happens when I also happen to be PMS-ing.

So if in the last month or so, (and quite possibly in the coming month), I have seemed not my self, short, annoyed or frustrated with you, I'm sorry, I'm not really that upset with you. It is the accumulation of thousands of mild annoyances and a couple big ones that have knocked me into a grumpy, moody, near constant state of "I don't know what to do anymore."

And I'm not looking for advice or comfort or condolences, I may bite your head off if you try to do any of those things and I'm really not in the proper mood to listen to any help or accept any no matter how reasonable or understanding you may be, I'm simply wiring this all out in the hopes that I can better deal with everything, and maybe you will understand, but maybe just don't try to help me figure out what's wrong or try to fix it... Not yet. I may figure out where my happy went on my own. Maybe not, but right now I'd like to just be. Even writing this all out has helped, a little.

Marble Hunt Turned Introspect

I went on a little adventure yesterday. Only lasted about 7.5 hours. I drove up to the U.P. in search of a marble. Unfortunately I didn't find it. I spent three hours driving up there, an hour looking under the roots of every tree hanging off the side of a ravine on these little waterfalls for a glimpse of a bright orange marble, and couldn't find it. The person who hid it couldn't remember exactly where it was hidden and had only taken two pictures, so there was no reference point for me to determine if I was even close to it.

At the top of the falls. Looked very fairy land.

I went up and down the falls, both on the river and on the trail above, at least three times. I got to the top of the falls and then headed back down, checking and rechecking the tree roots. Not quite the same experience as my first find. The area was beautiful though. After searching and when my legs started to shake from going up and down so many times I admitted defeat. I don't know if I just missed the marble, or if it was washed away from a storm or muggled. (Found by someone who doesn't know about the World's Biggest Marble Hunt.) I did find a crumpled cheddar chip bag stuffed into a little hole under one tree that looked like it could have been the tree I was searching for.

Lake Superior

After giving up I drove a little way back home, found this piece of shore and sat down to watch the water while having lunch. The sun was warm, but with the breeze coming off the lake I got a little chilly. Then I drove the three hours home. 

I don't know what these marbles mean to me. Is it the thrill of the hunt? The thrill of the find? Is it the sense of accomplishment of finding one? A sense I'm afraid I often lack in my daily life. Whatever it is, I find myself wishing there were more marbles being "lost" closer to home. I also wish that I could start making marbles and then being the one who hides them. Another one of my attempts at figuring out what really makes me happy. I've had many attempts to find something I really truly enjoy over and over. Something that I love so much it doesn't matter if I ever make a living doing it, I can be happy just to have that one thing.

Colorado Adventure Recap Part 3

Horseshoe Bluff in Dubuque where I had a hike and found a marble.

At the end of our hike (read about Part 1 and Part 2) we had several food cravings. That night while I caught up with a friend from high school, we had fries and burgers (vegetarian burgers), and Cheetos. It was a very nice end to my Colorado experience. I headed out the next morning with my leftover food to sustain me. Remember I had more food than I needed? I am still trying to finish things off, with the help of my parents again.

Dubuque is somewhere behind me in this picture.

I managed to get all the way through Nebraska and into Iowa on that first day of homeward travel. I still slept at a rest area, but I thought I might be more comfortable if I slept on the back seat. Unfortunately the back seat does not lay flat and I slept curled up the whole night, even when I finally admitted defeat and slid to the floor because of my gear and the seats being up there still wasn't enough room for me to stretch my legs out.

In the valley of the bluff after I climbed down a rock face to get off the bluff.

Before I left home I had joined a group on Facebook for the World's Biggest Marble Hunt. Contemporary glass artists are making marbles and people are "losing" them all over the world. You have to be a member of the group to participate. Once a marble is posted "lost" with clues how to find it, then whomever figures out the clues and finds it, gets to keep it or re-lose it as they wish. There have been few lost marbles in Wisconsin, but many in Colorado, I had hoped to find one while I was in Colorado, but none were posted near to where we were. My dad grew up in Dubuque, Iowa and I was planning on coming back that way to see where he grew up. About a week from when I would be going through, someone "lost" a marble there. My last day in Colorado I figured out the clues and knew where to find the marble. The night at the rest area I asked if the marble was still in play and it was. I made a trip to the place it was hidden, had a great hike, and found a marble!

The marble I found in Dubuque.
(I had to set it on my mag light top to keep it from rolling away.)

Now I'm having this urge to learn how to make marbles. Glass has always fascinated me and I have tried some bead making, but I would love to learn how to blow glass and now how to make fancy marbles, either with flameworking or in a glass blowing studio.

Back in Wisconsin.

So I visited Dubuque. I ended up not actually stopping to see my dad's childhood home, or going into town to visit any galleries there. I wish I had. I wish I hadn't been in such a rush to get home. Something else I need to learn how to do, be spontaneous, take my time, enjoy where I am instead of trying to plan ahead. I also almost stopped in Mt. Horeb on my way by so I could see the trolls. But I didn't, and I wish I had. But it was a beautiful area, what I saw from my car.

The pottery I found in Fort Collins. I fell in love with these.

A potter in Loveland makes a series of pottery for the tourists.
I couldn't resist, that is Mount Meeker and Longs Peak. 

I made it to my brother and sister-in-law's house in the early afternoon, just as my SIL was coming back from a walk with my nephew. We hung out, talked, went grocery shopping and I spent the night. It was very nice getting to see them all. I left after lunch the next day. The whole trip home I felt like it was new, exciting. Everything made me smile until I started seeing signs for where I was heading. Then I felt my mood drop as I made my way north on Hwy 51. I felt it drop even more when I left to make my final trip home. I don't know why. I was so ready to be home, so ready to be back to my usual life, but as it got closer I couldn't figure out why I had been so anxious to get home.

Some cards I am going to frame. I fell in love with her patterns.

Now I'm ready to head out somewhere new. I want to get out of my routine again. I want new experiences, I want to see new things, try new things. I want to find marbles in unexpected places. Literally and figuratively.

Some of my new Kritters.

I have spent the last week crocheting. I want to get a good stock of my crocheted Kritters together for the open studio I am planning to have later this month, and I think I have a pretty good start on those. I have a show on Saturday and I knew I had enough pottery for that, so I decided to crochet instead of going out to work on pottery. I will get back to pottery, and cleaning up the studio before too long, but for the next couple days I am going to focus on more Kritters.

Thanks for enjoying my trip to Colorado with me. If you haven't been, I suggest you go, but take your time. There is a lot to see and enjoy!

Colorado Adventure Recap Part 2

Ready to head out from Lory.

So we got dropped off at Lory State Park on Saturday morning. (Read about the first part of my trip here.) After waiting for the ranger station to open, because the camping permits were missing, we headed out to begin our hike.

The view from our break.

The park is well used by hikers, bikers, horseback riders, trail runners, and who we guessed were ROTC from one of the local colleges doing some training. We spent much of the day passing, but mostly being passed by others who could go much faster than us with our 40 pound packs on. We took a break only about an hour after setting out because it was hot, we were in the direct sun and we were going uphill. We had a very nice view of the park down to the reservoir from where we were.

The view from our lunch site.

We stopped for lunch on a rock outcropping in the early afternoon and had another great view on the "Outlook Trail," so called because of all the great views along the whole trail. I had my first of three tuna salad pitas. Great meal, but I need more alternatives, three days of tuna in a row was a bit much. This was the day that I got frustrated. We had been going all day, I wasn't used to the constant climbing, or the heat, all I wanted was to be at the campsite. And I really had no idea how much further we had to go. Sharon asked me on about the 5th switchback up the side of the mountain how I was doing and all I could respond was, "really hot." So we sat down had a snack, I had to wait to cool off before I could eat anything, and then we waited while 6 or 7 mountain bikers went by. According to the map there were only supposed to be about 8 switchbacks, we ended up doing at least 10 or 12. The map wasn't very detailed. 

Sunrise at our first campsite.

We didn't see much of a sunset that night, but supper was good. I had Ramen, Sharon had cheese tortellini which I am going to make one of my meals for my long hike. Sunrise the next morning was worth the hike. We got packed up and headed out with a shortened hike planned. We cut out a few miles, plus the day was cooler with a bit of cloud cover. We made it into Horsetooth Mountain Park and to our campsite with time to spare. I did not have any meltdowns this day. 

Almost to Horsetooth Mountain Park.

Supper was a failure for me. Luckily I packed enough food that even though I didn't eat more than half of the soup-like meal, I still had enough to eat. One of my extra breakfast bars came to the rescue.The dehydrated veggies only halfway re-hydrated so I had some crunchy peas, leathery beans, and weird carrots. Plus the soup base, a veggie bouillon cube, had a really strange chemical flavor. There were several hikers still on the trail as darkness fell. It didn't appear any of them had headlamps or light of any kind.

Trying to preheat my supper.

Sunrise was again wonderful. Our sunsets were less than spectacular. This morning Sharon made some pineapple upside down cake for breakfast. Very sweet, very filling and very good. We had to backtrack a little on the trail before we could head up to Horsetooth Mountain, we got some great views again. Every time we came over a rise or into a valley, the views just opened up and you could see all the way back down to town.

Sunrise at our second campsite.

Our third day of hiking was short also. We got to Horsetooth, but didn't climb it, and headed down to our site. Both of us took baths/showers on the downhill side of our site away from the trail. Had a good view of Fort Collins from there. We wandered in our meadow watching the stars that night. We were supposed to be able to see the Orionid meteorites in the early morning and luckily for us we each got to see one before going to bed. I was woken up at around 3:30 or so by the wind, and when I crawled out to see the sky, we had complete cloud cover and no chance of seeing any more meteorites.

Sunset over Rocky Mountain National Park from our third campsite.

The last day of hiking only took us an hour as we went basically downhill for 3 miles. The easiest 3 miles of the whole hike thanks to the downhill, the reduced food weight, and the knowledge that we would be getting real showers once we got home. We talked to several people over the course of our hike: one biker apologized for his caterwauling, he was listening to his mp3 player; a couple with a foreign accent asked us about our plans for camping and whether we were worried about the potential for wildlife, we weren't, not really, but I couldn't help glancing up at the rocks every now and then expecting to see a mountain lion like in Homeward Bound; one lady trail running with her dog discussed our plans to go back downhill and come back up to our campsite, wondering if we were training for something; and a brother and sister from New York had something in common with me, it was all of our first times in higher elevation.

The clouds started rolling in around sunset and it appeared to be precipitating in RMNP.
The two peaks in the background behind us are Meeker (on the left) and Longs, my reference points for the RMNP.

The sunrise was less colorful than the first two, but when the clouds broke and the hills toward Rocky Mountain lit up, that was wonderful. I kept expecting to see Sam and Frodo, there was a very Lord of the Rings kind of feel several times over the course of our hike. On our way down we again saw Stellars Jays, mule deer, and magpies. I kept hoping to get a good picture of the birds, but as soon as I worked my camera out they had taken off again. We got to my van and as we were loading gear in, it started to sprinkle. And on the drive home, it rained enough I had to turn on my windshield wipers. I had to tease Sharon, she kept telling me it wasn't going to rain, and lucky for us it waited until we were back in the car, but it did rain!

This is almost the end of my Colorado trip, I have a little more to share about the drive home. Next time!

Colorado Adventure Recap Part 1

From our day hike at Greyrock. The snow covered mountains in the
background are a part of Rocky Mountain National Park.

My trip to Colorado was excellent. The area was beautiful, it was great seeing my friends, and it was an overall wonderful experience.

My car nest when I stopped at a rest area for the night. I can't be truly comfortable unless I know people can't see me.
Of course I wasn't truly comfortable anyway with the rather hard van floor.

Having said that, I did learn some things about myself: I'm not a huge fan of big elevation changes when I am carrying a 40 pound pack; hiking in the glaring sun of Colorado may be pleasant for some, but I'd much rather have cool temperatures and some cloud cover; I missed the trees and lakes of Wisconsin; I won't be moving to Colorado any time soon; if I am going to survive hiking the Ice Age Trail, I have to find an alternative to GORP/trail mix, Ramen and dehydrated foods. I also packed way more food than was necessary for me.

A prairie dog, I started calling them prairie puppies.

The drive there was uneventful, which I had hoped for. No flat tires this time. (Read about my last long distance trip here.) I stayed at a rest area along I-80 in Nebraska. It was too close to the interstate, there was some kind of refrigerator truck that kept running all night long, I got cold, and the back of my van is not designed for someone to sleep right on the floor, so my smart watch recorded "No Data" because I didn't fall asleep enough for it to record my sleep patterns. I'll need to work out some things there in the future for other road trips where I plan on sleeping in my van. (I had a similar experience on the way home at a different rest area.)

A sculpture that was reminiscent of me.

When I got to Colorado we had an afternoon with a walk where I was introduced to some of the flora and fauna of my home for the next week, including prairie dogs, cacti, yucca, and the Steller's Jay. The next day we went to a sculpture garden and drove to Fort Collins and wandered around some of the shops there. I found some pottery I had to have, I can't seem to help myself.

Greyrock Trail information. We made it to the little hook at the top of the map.

The next day we took a day hike in Poudre Canyon at Greyrock Trail. We had on day packs with water, food, and minimal gear so I could see what the terrain was like without my 40 pound pack I'd need for our long hike. We didn't make it to the top of Greyrock, I started to get nauseous and my legs started to shake from the hike at about 7300-7400 feet in elevation. The top of Greyrock is 7600 ft.

Greyrock from the trail below.

On Friday we took it easy, we packed our backpacks and then we walked into Loveland and wandered the shops there. We had lunch at a park where the ducks and squirrels expect you to share your food. The next morning we'd drop off my car at our end destination and be dropped off at the beginning of our hike...

One of the "HeArts" in Loveland, that is Art Hearts, each one is different.

My Past is Not Me

This is how my pottery season goes. In the spring I haul boxes and boxes of work up from the basement. My dad sets up shelves in the carport where my mom parks over the winter and I fill the shelves with what I have left from last season and made over the winter. I take stock and fill in any gaps. All summer I make work, pack up, go to shows, unpack, have open studios and it is a constant revolving set of work.

A box of my past.

In the fall, right about now, after the weather turns cold and I'm sure people won't want to stand in the unheated carport to look at pottery anymore, I pack up all my work, try to get organized or stay organized for the last couple shows of the year, and haul my work back to the basement so my mom can resume parking her car where it won't get frosty or snow covered.

I can't remember exactly what I ate from this one, but I loved this bowl when I made it.

The thing is, I have boxes of work and things from college in the basement that I don't look through until I have to start stacking the boxes of my current work back in the basement. I pulled up one of those boxes and went through it.

One of the few pieces that showed my more whimsical side, and it didn't do it very well.

I smiled as I went through this work and then I sighed and realized that this work looks nothing like me. I spent four years in college learning "how to be an artist." Learning the technical things about making art. And spent a lot of time losing myself. (See how I started finding myself again here.)

I remember drinking orange juice out of this one when I got sick.

I have a friend, a potter who has known me since I was in high school, and she has seen the way my work has changed over the years. The last couple of years she has told me on a couple of occasions that I'm finding the "Katlyn-ness" again, that it had been schooled out of me. She told me my work was quality work, but it wasn't me.

Blueberries and yogurt in this one.

I agree with her. Especially looking at these pieces. You can sometimes see a little bit of me trying to get out from the standard technical work I was doing, but nothing I did for 3 years really feels or looks like me. The last year of school I did try to find me again, and I'm still trying to find me.

I had pasta in this bowl many times.

I used these pieces from my first pottery class at college in my apartment. I didn't get to take pottery until I think my second semester sophomore year. And these were my breakfast yogurt bowl, pasta bowl, soup bowl, popcorn bowls, juice cup, and a little vase made from a baby bowl and a teapot spout. 

Popcorn bowl

Though I'm proud of the progress I've made since I began making pottery 16 years ago and these pieces are a step in that journey, I don't recognize the person who made these pieces. I'm not sure I know her. I don't see myself in any of these and I feel they would glaringly stand out in a line up of my pottery starting from my first little pot to my current work. I'll keep them, even if it is only an attempt to remember to be myself, and to not conform to other what other people think I should be making.

My favorite popcorn bowl, when I got down to the unpopped pieces I would trace the labyrinth with buttery fingers. 

My Next Great Adventure

My next great adventure is coming up in a week. This is going to be my biggest adventure since I drove to Penland School of Crafts in North Carolina in 2010 to attend a two week pottery class. I hope the trip this time is less eventful than that trip. I ended up with a flat tire on I-65 just south of Indianapolis and thought I had AAA coverage, but when I called for help they told me I didn't have any kind of coverage. I spent two hours on the side of the interstate while my parents talked to AAA and got me a second policy so someone would come help me. Not to mention the three or four police cars that went by and never stopped to see if I was ok. I also really REALLY needed the bathroom by the time I was done with the ordeal.

Anyways, this time I am going to Colorado to visit some friends who moved out there and to go hiking and backpacking. I also hope the hiking and backpacking go better than my last attempt. (Read about that trip here.) I am planning two days to travel since I will be going alone and don't want to drive through the night, and then because I have lived at 1670 feet above sea level my entire life, we will be spending a couple days taking it easy so I can adjust to 4980 feet above sea level. One day-hike to see what the terrain is like without a full pack, and then, hopefully, 4 days and 3 nights backpacking at one of my friend's favorite hiking trails. There are several intersecting trails, so if it is too much for either one of us, we will have the option to take a shorter route.

I have my pack, a different one than the pack I originally bought, which ended up being just a bit too big, so I called the store, went back and got a smaller torso size which they thankfully had just gotten in. This one is a silver-grey color with lilac accents, instead of the forest green of the other one that I was afraid I would lose if I set it down in the woods or grass. I will probably still tie a brightly colored bandanna to this one just to be safe. Now I have to worry about losing it in the snow if I ever take up winter camping or hiking.

I filled my pack and took it on a walk to make sure it fit right, then I unloaded it and sorted through my gear to try and get rid of some weight. By switching out my knife, water bottle, and cutting out extra supplies from my first aid kit, I still feel fully prepared but with almost 1.5 pounds less gear. I am sure there are still things I can cut out, but I will do that with time when I get more confident or realize I don't need certain items. I figured out with my pack filled as it is now and with my water containers filled and my food bag, I should still be below 40 pounds. Ultimately I'd like to be at or below 30 pounds, and I may get there, eventually.