Planning Fears and Frustrations

Coming to understand myself more fully, I've realized that I prefer schedule, certainty, and control. I'm now faced with two months of anything but those things. I honestly won't know where I will sleep each night because I have no idea how far I can actually walk in a day while carrying a 40 pound backpack. And with that uncertainty I can't know where I will be the next day or the day after. I'm trying to make a schedule, a projected day by day estimation of where I will be each night if I manage to hike all the miles I think I need to go in order to reach a legal campsite. Meaning I don't want to sleep right on the trail or several yards off the road into someone's field or woods. Because that would be trespassing.

I'm confused, stressed, frustrated and I'm hoping I don't lose my mind trying to organize my own plans. I know while I am hiking I will want to keep up with any schedule I make. So if I only go 12 miles when I had planned on 20, I will attempt to make up those "lost" 8 miles. I know this is something I need to work on. Being flexible. I hate being flexible. I want to know where I will be and when. If I have plans with someone I want to know exactly where and when we will be meeting and I expect those places and times to be sacred in a way. We said 4:15, that means we get there at or before 4:15. Can you see how hard it will be for me to fly by the seat of my pants when I get a few miles (or days) off schedule?

Maybe if I had done a big, multi-week hike before I attempt going for two months I would be a little more relaxed. Then again maybe not, but at least then I would be able to know myself a little more and know how much leeway I can give myself in terms of food and supplies I can live with if I take an extra day or two to get to my resupply boxes. And I might be a little more comfortable finding a place to sleep when I end up walking down a country road as night falls.

I don't want to be strictly stuck to a schedule. I want to be able to take my time and enjoy the hike. If I find a pretty place I want to be able to feel comfortable enough to sit down and paint a picture instead of fretting about being on time.

I've been told multiple times by several people, friends and family, that they believe in me, they believe I can do this, they believe I will succeed. I don't know if I believe any of them yet. I don't know if I believe in myself that much yet. Maybe I had more faith in myself before I had to count miles. Now faced with the real planning of where and when, my usual action of control is failing me. And I don't like it when things fail me. That is usually about the time I back-pedal and stick to my comfort zone.

(And I also keep rediscovering that I can write about all of these fears, problems and frustrations in my journal and I rarely feel better about it, but I write one blog post about them and suddenly it makes sense or the problems don't seem as big anymore.)