This time it's been over a month since I posted. I still don't feel like writing today even. I'm stuck. I feel I've been stuck for a very long time. I try new artistic avenues just to feel like I am moving forward or moving on. I'm not capable of getting unstuck. People will disagree with that, they will try to cheer me up. Don't. Being stuck for me is a state of mind brought on by circumstances that I have unfortunately been unable to remedy because I don't know what I want or where to go from here.
I haven't felt truly successful for at the very least this year, and quite possibly longer. I used to know what I wanted, and I had the belief that I would be able to accomplish my dreams and goals. I used to be able to brush off moods or force the situation away for longer stretches of time. Now I lash out, I get angry, stressed, frustrated. I wish my life were going the way I had planned back in college. Back in my freshman year of college, close to 11 years ago now, I had an idea of how my life would go. Now my life is going nowhere.
I saw a post the other day for milestones in the single person's life. The milestones of a single person included graduating from high school, graduating from college, getting your first adult job, getting your first pet away from home, moving out of your parents house, traveling to a place you always wanted to go, first big promotion, buying a house. Since I don't want to get married or have kids, I will never have the milestones of getting engaged, having a bridal shower, finding the perfect dress, getting married, finding out I'm pregnant, having a baby shower, giving birth. And since I am self-employed I will never get a promotion, a raise or really anything job related. Now I have graduated both from high school and from college, but that's almost where it stops. I will soon be getting some kittens, but even though I will be financially responsible for them, I do still live with my parents, so they will be "our" cats. And in order to move out of my parents house or buy a place of my own I'd need far more income than a single artist makes. I would love to travel, but again money comes to mind. I tried the backpacking thing, took a trip to Colorado last year, I took the broom making class in Grand Marais, so I haven't been completely stuck with no travel.
You might ask, "if your big goal is to own a place of your own, why get a cat, or travel at all? Why not save your money to buy a place?" And my answer is because I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of always trying to save money and not doing the things, big or small, that I want to do. I need some small pleasures and adventures in my life in order to find any joy. But now I worry that isn't going to be enough for me either.
I'm grateful for my parents, I've probably said it before, but it needs repeating. I'm grateful that they continue to let me live with them, I know it isn't required and for some people when they turn 18 or finish school, that's the end of being allowed to live in their parents house. I'm grateful for the rest of the financial support beyond living at home, I have very few bills thanks to them, I can eat because of them. I'm grateful for it, but I've begun to resent it. I shouldn't, I should be grateful and that should be the end of it, but I am incapable of being a self supporting adult and that is a very big thorn in my side. I require their help. I'll always need them emotionally, mentally, as family and as friends, but I've come to the realization that I may always need them for all the financial stuff as well. And that makes me angry and sad, and the more angry and sad I get, the more difficult I become to live with.
I'm a selfish person, don't try to tell me otherwise on that statement either, I know I can be helpful and supportive and whatever else someone might try to use to persuade me otherwise, but I've come to realize that I am a selfish person. I don't want to get married or have kids because I don't want someone relying on me all the time. I don't want to be available for them all the time, I don't want to have someone in my space all the time demanding my attention, using or touching or moving my things. I also don't like wondering if someone came into my space while I was out or away. I don't want to have to come home and wonder who broke this or used up that. I'm also not good with forgiveness. Giving or asking for. I'm inflexible, stuck in my ways as much as I feel stuck in life. I know I am not a good match for anyone, I also know I would not be a good parent. I don't know if I have made myself this way on purpose or subconsciously, or if it has just become my nature through experiences. I have tried to change some things I find unpleasant about myself, or downright rude, but I also am not good with change and it is a struggle for me to change one thing when so much else in my life seems like a bigger deal.
For a while I felt better about things, I felt like something positive was happening. But for me, things either get better too slowly and I start to feel stuck again, or something goes wrong. Like I said though, I don't know what the fuck I want anymore.
