Are You Happy?

I can honestly say that I have not been happy. Sure, I've had moments of joy, excitement, fulfillment, satisfaction, interest, but to be truly happy, to be in "a state of well-being and contentment" (definition, Merriam Webster), I don't think I have. Some people will argue that to have joy or those other emotions is to be happy.

I think "happy" is a deeper, more true emotion. You can be simply happy, or deep-down-in-the-gut happy. It is a glowing contentment (see I'm using the definition to describe happy because there is no other way to do so.) And that's been the problem for me, I haven't been content. Not with my life, my job, my goals or ambitions, my accomplishments (which there haven't been many in my way of thinking. Or is it society's view?)

In fact my subconscious, my soul, my inner voice have been trying to convey that point to me even in sleep. All the dreams I have remembered, written down and then interpreted the meaning of, have included signs and symbols of a discontent life. Hiding emotions, being stuck, running away, fear, embarrassment, avoiding issues, etc. And I haven't woken from any of those dreams feeling good about it.

Until last night. Last night's dream included symbols for peace of mind; renewal and new beginnings; rest, relaxation, clearing of the mind; foundation, stability, and sense of understanding; mobility, independence, and freedom; taking a step in the right direction; wanting to reconnect (old hobby, talent, or interest); being too hard on yourself; freely expressing femininity; love, joy, sweetness, happiness, affection and kindness; getting back to your roots. Plus in the dream I was content, I felt peaceful. I woke up feeling calm.

Something I am currently doing or thinking about has led me and my inner me to feel good. I am focusing on bringing more mystical things into my life. (As many times as I have linked back to this post, I probably could have figured this out sooner had I been paying attention.) Maybe I need the energy from meditation, lighting candles, and crystals. Maybe that is who I am really and I have been trying too hard to fit into society's idea of a person, or business person. I've been trying to fit the mold, as much as an artist can since artists tend to be on the outskirts of the "norm" anyway, but maybe focusing on some new paintings, a new style, new imagery and new ideas (all from a part of my interests in childhood), has finally allowed me to find "happy." I know I am enjoying what I've been working on and the business plans I have been forming in my head are certainly entertaining. Watch for new comings in my art, maybe I've figured out what it takes for me to be ME.

 And then when I went outside this morning, one of the first things I found was a feather. It was grey, black and white side up, but I haven't found a meaning for three colors so... Black and white feathers represent protection or the sense of union. Grey and white feathers symbolize hope. Grey is peace and neutrality, peace within, wisdom, a nudge that you are on the right track, authenticity, and flexibility. I was starting to compose this post in my head when I found it.